How the Grinch Does Christmas: ‘My poor Grinch ears’

DSC_4848By Emily Bamforth | eb104010@ohiou.edu | @EmilyMBamforth

Nothing quite says Christmas like repetitive music leaking fuzzily out of speakers as you’re walking around Macy’s. Waking up the day after returning from Thanksgiving break to your roommates blasting “Frosty the Snowman” in celebration of putting up the $3 plastic mini-tree they bought at Re-Use is probably one of the worst parts of semesters (OK, there were many worse parts to starting semesters, but that was pretty bad).

GrinchNeedless to say, my poor Grinch ears have been assaulted with the sounds of Christmas for weeks, nay, years, and it’s something that is simply unavoidable. The same songs will always be playing over the radio, at gatherings and in the mall, and for some reason, it doesn’t really seem to bother anybody even though these songs carry their way through based on cheer and bell sounds alone.

So here, for you, I’ve compiled a list of a few examples of the worst offenders on the Christmas playlist:

This version of “Santa Baby:” Michael Buble is a god, and normally I would say nothing bad about him, but this song is why sometimes people should just not attempt a Christmas album. It’s not so much Buble’s voice, because if I ignore the words I can pretend he is simply crooning about something else. But this song was not written for a man or anybody who doesn’t have a voice that sounds like Jessica Rabbit’s.

“The Twelve Days of Christmas:” This is pretty much the least appealing song I have ever heard. It repeats every element of the song, and by the end if somebody says partridge in a pear tree one more time, I will shoot said partridge. Awful.

“Baby, It’s Cold Outside:” If you listen to this song once through, it sounds like an endearing cat-and-mouse game. However, if you pay attention to lines like “what’s in this drink” it sounds a lot more like something that OUPD needs to investigate. Once you figure that out, it’s something you can’t un-think.

“Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer:” Why do people like this song? Along with the annoying melody that will get stuck in your head, this song is simply morbid. Proving belief in Santa through him doing a drive-by with his sleigh? I don’t think that promotes good cheer does it? The only upside to this song is that it produced this meme:

“I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas:” Not one person I have met has ever been able to sing this in a way that’s appealing, and that includes the original singer. The song is screechy and on the whole not at all nice to listen to. Also, there’s nothing funny or adorable about using the wrong plural of hippopotamus. I will be teaching my child that.

Perhaps if Christmas were typically filled with Grumpy Cat memes instead of awful Christmas music, I would enjoy it more. But for now, I guess I’ll have to just walk around the mall with noise-canceling headphones. Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Keep up with Emily as she does her best to explain just why she’s a real-life, not-quite-so-evil Grinch.

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