TV: A pitiful ‘Glee’ Christmas, actually

By Meryl Gottlieb| mg986611@ohiou.edu| @buzzlightmeryl
Glee airs Thursdays at 9 p.m. on Fox
Rating: 2/5

410glee_ep410-sc1_006_(1)This had to be one of the most ridiculous episodes of Glee I have ever seen, and I’ve seen them all. I did not like a vast majority of the episode; I can’t say it any plainer. Redeeming qualities of this episode were evident, sporadic and like finding needles in a haystack.

Sue (Jane Lynch) has a journal entry! While this may not be super exciting for some, to me, it means another return of her snarky and witty comments that just make me reminiscent of season one. She sets the tone of the episode, saying the episode will mimic Love, Actually, which I hope is much better than Glee’s portrayal. Five different stories will be told but will all come together in the end. Except, not really.

In the first story, after falling on the un-salted ramp, Artie (Kevin McHale) confesses his hatred of being in a wheelchair and has a dream of an alternate reality in which he is no longer handicapped and everything else is as messed up as can be.

Actually mimicking It’s a Wonderful Life, Artie’s dream was quite pointless, unentertaining and poorly written – as was the rest of the episode.

However, one aspect was a Christmas miracle – Rory (Damian McGinty) returned as Artie’s Christmas guardian angel. Oh, happy day!

This awful reality includes Finn (Cory Monteith), Puck (Mark Salling) and all the jocks bullying Kurt (Chris Colfer) who never graduated because of the nonstop bullying. Rachel (Lea Michele) is the school librarian and is sort of psychopathic. Schuester (Matthew Morrison) is a drunk and still married to Terri (Jessalyn Gilsig). Oh yeah, Quinn (Dianna Agron) was forever paralyzed from her accident and died – because of a broken heart from never recovering. ARE YOU KIDDING ME RYAN MURPHY???!!!!

All because apparently Artie was the glue of the glee club. ORLY!!! On what planet was he the center of all things New Directions – that role was for Rachel. Also, he performs “Feliz Navidad” to try to bring everyone together. Oh, yeah because who doesn’t have an insane love for that song? Are you just freaking kidding me?! Whoever thought this up deserves a medal for this kind of stupidity.

Artie then wakes up and is now ok with being in the chair. Ugh. I just wasted so much time.

The second segment focuses on Kurt’s Christmas. Burt (Mike O’Malley) surprises Kurt and comes to New York so they can spend Christmas together!! Can we talk about the adorableness of this family?!

And the cuteness dies instantly when Burt reveals he has prostate cancer. Merry Christmas everybody! Why?! Why?! WHY?! I cannot handle my feelings right now.

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So many feels in such a short amount of time.

But back to happiness because Burt brought Blaine (Darren Criss) to New York too. And the two wonderfully duet to “White Christmas” while they ice skate.

While I hate the depressing quality of this segment, it was half filled with adorable Hummel family moments and Klaine togetherness.

The third segment entails Puck bringing Jake (Jacob Artist) out to California for some bro-time. The two go to Paramount Studios and sing “O’ Hanukkah” around the lot. IDIOTS. Anyone who had anything to do with the writing of this episode is an idiot. I’m Jewish, and I don’t ever sing this song; I barely remembered it existed. It’s just a WTF moment, and I can describe it in no other way.

Puck actually has a pretty crappy life in CA so the two decide to head back to Lima to bring their families together, and it works. Yay family love but boo the rest of this segment.

In the fourth segment, Brittany (Heather Morris) and Sam (Chord Overstreet) are convinced of the Mayan apocalypse. Utter ridiculousness but I actually found this bit a tad funny just because Overstreet and Morris are so great at playing dumb characters.

Sam sings “Jingle Bell Rock” randomly and then poorly transitions to “another rock” and proposes to Brittany so they can be together before the end of the world. Yet, December 22nd roles around and they don’t know what to do.

In the last segment, Sue has Mrs. Rose (Trisha Rae Stahl) for the staff Secret Santa. She overhears how Mrs. Rose is not spending anything on Christmas so she can afford to get Marley (Melissa Benoist) an appointment with a doctor who specializes in eating disorders.

As her present, Sue sets up a fully decorated Christmas tree and tons of presents, plus $800. This is incredibly nice and so sweet, but it is illegal. Yet, let’s allow the Christmas spirit to prevail on this one.

In a montage of a mix up of the segments, Puck decides he is moving back to Lima. Coach Beiste (Dot-Marie Jones) tells Sam and Brittany she never actually married them and that the new Mayan apocalypse will occur on September 27, 2014 – what? What is Ryan Murphy predicting with this date?! Blaine says he wants to apply to NYADA, and Kurt doesn’t seem too thrilled.

Mrs. Rose tries to give the money back to Sue, but Sue tells her to keep it in order to give Marley everything she deserves. Mrs. Rose then takes Sue to watch the glee club sing a Christmas song in an “elaborate winter display.” My words exactly Sue; thank you.

The glee club sings “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” which the rest of the cast joins in as they cut to their respective segments. Oh boy, are you lucky that you did this song well; this is my favorite Christmas song, and you do NOT mess up something from Judy Garland.

Alas, dear friends, no new episodes of Glee will air until sometime in January, so no more of this terribleness will happen for another month – it’s a Christmas miracle!

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